How to Help an Addict by Detaching with Love

By Al-Anon Meetings

The notion of lovingly separating from addiction is one of the movement’s greatest blessings. Detachment with love, originally developed as a strategy to deal with an alcoholic family member, is truly a skill we may use with anyone.

The concept of lovingly separating from an alcoholic friend or family member was first introduced by the mutual-help organization Al-Anon. Overprotection prevents alcoholics from learning from their mistakes, which is one of the core tenets of Al-Anon.

“Overprotected” is a word with multiple meanings. For instance, you could report your spouse absenteeism if he is too inebriated to report to work. Telling kids that their mother had to work late and missed the school play when, in reality, she was in a bar until midnight is another example of overprotecting.

It was once thought of as “enabling,” as such acts allowed alcoholics to keep drinking. These days, we refer to it as “adapting,” which is less accusatory.

Detachment with love was originally a request that family members quit adjusting. However, when Al-Anon expanded, individuals mistook love for detachment and used it to intimidate alcoholics into change. For example, “I’ll leave you if you don’t go to treatment!” Threats like this were a bet that an alcoholic may be coerced into getting help out of fear.

The idea of loving yet remaining detached was locked there for years. In reality, inquiries like “Should I leave if the person I love continues to drink or use other drugs?” are still made to the Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation.

In response, I would ask loved ones to think about the deeper meaning of detachment. This interpretation focuses on fresh queries: What needs do you have that go beyond those of the alcoholic or addict? In the event that the person you care about declines assistance, how can you look after yourself?

Lovingly separating oneself from others entails having enough empathy to let them make errors and grow from them. It also entails taking accountability for our own well-being and making choices free from hidden agendas, such as the need to exert control over others.

In the end, we have no control over anybody. The majority of family members of an addict have been trying unsuccessfully to alter their loved one for a very long time. Although we interact with others, we do not have influence over them. If people choose to carry out certain actions, we are unable to stop them.

In this sense, love combined with detachment sows the seeds of recovery for an addict. We give others the freedom to deal with the unavoidable repercussions of their actions when we refuse to accept accountability for their drug or alcohol usage. We do not have to tell a fib to a child who wonders why mommy missed the school play. Alternatively, we could state, “I’m not sure why she wasn’t present. You’ll need to question her.

Replying with a choice instead of an anxious reaction could be the essence of detachment with love. We are typically sensitive to the feelings of others when we threaten to leave someone. We are emotion-driven beings. Things we say are intended to startle. Our words come from instinctive response rather than deliberate deliberation.

Another approach is to detach with compassion and respond to others based on thoughtfulness instead of fear. As parents, for example, we set boundaries for our kids even when it enrages them. Seeing past the children’s initial emotional response, we make decisions based on what we believe is best in the long run.

Detachment with love can therefore be applied to any situation in which we have an emotional connection to a family member, friend, addict, or sober person. The secret is to take ownership of our own responsibility and cease blaming others for our actions.

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